Better to Give Than To Receive

clap back frenemies gift guide

You know who they are -- those people in our lives, maybe a loved one or a longtime friend, who make us feel like sh*t. The SIL who’s constantly making “helpful” remarks about your parenting. The neighbor down the road whose dog continually poops on your yard. Any family member who posts offensive and racist comments on their social media accounts. If you need to get them a gift for any reason, we highly recommend one of these:

 

1. Glitter.

Where do I even begin with the awfulness that is Glitter?!? First of all, it’s accurately nicknamed ‘The Herpes of the Craft World’ because it’s easily transmitted and impossible to get rid of. Also, glitter is actually used as a weapon in some people’s arsenal for seeking revenge. There is a company that will ship glitter to people you hate because, glitter. See how it was recently used in retaliation against a mail package thief in this video. If you’ve decided to give the gift of glitter, brava! I highly recommend this set because it looks like the worst thing possible for anyone with a home and a heartbeat.

 

2. Slime.

This is super popular right now so if you give this to someone as a gift they won’t know you secretly harbor negative feelings for them. Slime is not only fun to play with but it's also fun to make because YouTube has made that recipe available to all. Thanks, YouTube. Slime is awful because it is messy, sticky, and it leaves a stain that is impossible to get out. You can buy the actual slime or the home kit (which seems like a lot of work, so bonus points!) for the perfect revenge gift.

 

3. Puzzles.

If the person has a toddler, I highly recommend a puzzle set. Preferably one that has four small sets in one small box like this one. Doing a puzzle with a toddler is like hanging out with someone who chews loudly with their mouth open. They mean well but it’s annoying, there is no end in sight, and the frustration makes you want to light your hair on fire to end the pain. The child wants to actively participate and there is a primal desire to complete the task but they’re also young, easily distracted, and apparently CANNOT TELL IF IT IS A STRAIGHT EDGE OR NOT TO SAVE THEIR LIFE. There is also the painstaking task of having to organize each puzzle set decoded by the shapes on the back every time the toddler thinks it’s a game to open the box and dump all the pieces. So this gift is a double whammy.

If you’re really looking to stick it to the person you can add a little note that says, “we love to do puzzles together as a family every morning because we feel like it bonds us as a unit.” This extra dig is great because it encourages them to make sure they have to actively participate in doing the puzzle with their child, which will inevitably make them question their sanity when they do it.

If you really dislike this person because they called you out at last weeks PTA meeting, I highly encourage you to open the box and take out one piece. The only thing more frustrating than doing a puzzle with a toddler is doing a puzzle with a toddler that has a piece missing.* *WARNING: Aneurysms may ensue.

4. Musical Instruments.

Music is wonderful, life changing, mind expanding, and soul growing. From youth, children innately know the beauty and the power of music. Music classes can change a kid’s life. Watching a kid light up and dance is magic. However, gifting a child with a music instrument (preferably a recorder, a symbol, or a drum set) is a whole other entity because it is the opposite of magic...it is torture. I recommend you start with a recorder, no need for a music sheet because the child will just enjoy belligerently blowing through the flute like their life depended on it. Somehow their ears are protected from the awful noise that makes the ears of anyone else in a 50 feet range bleed. If you’re feeling extra inspired go ahead and throw in something with a lot of bells like this one.

5. Yellies!

OMFG!!! I would have LOOOOVED to have been a fly on the wall in the toy company when they created YELLIES!!! If you have not yet heard of them they are toys that are voice activated by, you guessed it, yelling. Can you imagine a home with two kids happily yelling at a stuffed animal while both parents question all of their life choices and try to (what I will assume is a completely unsuccessful) ignore the noise. Here they are friends, buy away. 

 

6. A Donation To ACLU.

The American Civil Liberties Union is a non-profit civil rights and civil liberties organization dedicated to defining anyone who needs defense. This one is great for your racist or sexist family member/friend. This is the best because it is an expert level passive aggressive gift. You can donate here. Make sure the donation is done in their name to add that extra hint of spite.

 As you can see, there is a plethora of gifts you can give someone you secretly harbor negative feelings for. If anything on this list didn't jump out at you -- I also highly recommend anything with loud noises, lots of small pieces, or, if all else fails, get a nerf gun!


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